FollowBy Bill Naron
“And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4
The above Scripture starts with fathers and their relationship with their children. On Sunday, Pastor Martin took us through this Scripture and talked to us about “Navigating the Parent-Hood.” This Scripture made me think about my own parenting style, and Martin’s sermon gave me a road map to process those thoughts.
“Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath.” This is the portion of Scripture that has brought about the most reflection for me. I feel like it is not merely provoking my children to be rageful themselves, but also causing them pain. Martin shared four points in his sermon with the help of his oldest son and daughter-in-law, Jeremy and Lynda. The four points were to be kind, delight in, honor, and repair.
Martin’s first point was to “be kind to yourself but deal with your stuff.” Parenting exposes traits of ours that we are do not even realize exist, and we have to deal with them. In a blog post from 2007, “More Thoughts for Fathers on Ephesians 6:4,” John Piper said, “Fathers cause their children’s souls to shrivel into small, hard, angry shells mainly by being like that themselves.”Fathers are the head of the house and the spiritual leaders of the home. I think that the author makes a point of addressing fathers because of their leadership position within the house. It has been said that as fathers go, so goes the house.
I have found the above statement especially true in dealing with my own issues exposed through parenting. Parenthood proved my personal anger issues that I was not even aware of, and I became someone that I did not want to be. In turn, when I give in to that anger, begin to yell about everything, and have unreasonable and unachievable expectations, my family feels a tremendous burden upon them, and they start to feel like they cannot measure up. Not only do my children feel burdened by the expectations I place on them at this moment, but also when I am angry, I do not convey to my children that I delight in them and in who they are. This causes them a great deal of pain.
Delighting in my children is important, so I can show them that they indeed are a blessing from the Lord and not an inconvenience. I love to get to know who my kids are and to take an interest in the things they are doing. This includes spending time with them, learning about their personalities and what kinds of things they enjoy doing. I love spending time with my kids! We play this game where I chase them and tickle them, and they just love it. In those moments, we have so much fun. I would love to see more times of delight taking place.
Martin’s third point was that parents should honor their children’s voice with empathy and understanding. This again is an area of struggle for me that parenting has exposed. I tend to say, “I am the parent and you are the child, so you just need to do what I tell you” or “Your opinion does not matter.” What I have learned over the years, though, is that my children need to be heard. They need to know that their thoughts and feelings are valid. This lesson that I am learning is a stark contrast to the home where I grew up. The concept of listening to my children in this way is foreign to me, and I am learning to listen to their voice and hear their hearts.
The last point Martin shared was that we need to repair wounded relationships. This is probably the hardest point for me. Repairing means I have to go to my children in humility and make myself vulnerable, admitting that I have messed up. I do try to go to them and apologize and let them know that I was wrong when I lash out in anger or yell at them, and before I leave the conversation, I ask for their forgiveness and wait to receive it. I think that this is just a small part of the repairing process.
I have never sat down with them and asked them if I have ever said or done anything that has hurt their heart. The real reason for this is my own pride and shame. My wife recently asked this of our oldest, and she was really honest with my wife, and that has been so good for their relationship. I, however, am dragging my feet. I know there are ways that I have hurt my children’s hearts. It is not going to be an easy conversation to have, and I am afraid to have that conversation for purely selfish reasons. I am fearful of what I may find out and how much it may hurt me to hear what my children have to say. However, I know that it is a conversation that needs to happen.
What I have learned through my times of reflection this week is that I need to sit down and repair with my children. I need to ask for forgiveness, and I need to relieve my children of the hurt that they may be carrying around. I need not be bitter and angry and, in turn, cause my children to be bitter and angry. I need to continue to delight in who my children are, their quirky personalities, and take an interest in their interests. Parenting is really about dying to oneself in order to invest in the lives of the blessings God has given us. Through all my imperfections, I need to remember that my heavenly Father has grace for me, and I need to have mercy for myself. Parenting is a unique process because it is refining me as much as it is shaping my children.
Views – 154