FollowBy Larry Short, Community Ministry Director
Feeling disconnected? If so, you’re not alone.
It’s a frequent subject of discussion among leaders at Elim: hearing from people, or about people, who simply feel disconnected in the context of our church body.
People generally react to a feeling of disconnectedness in one of three ways:
- They suffer in silence.
- They reach out for help.
- They leave, hopeful to find a place where they will feel more connected.
I think we all feel disconnected at times. If you are feeling disconnected, like people don’t care or you don’t matter or don’t belong, or you can’t figure out how to make a meaningful contribution, or you have trouble establishing meaningful relationships, then our first hope and prayer is that you will reject both options #1 and #3 above and focus on option #2 — reaching out for help!
Is there a simple solution for disconnectedness?
It’s tempting for me to try to offer a simple solution for this feeling of disconnectedness. For instance, as I was thinking about writing this Last Word, two verses were running through my mind:
And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” (Mark 8:34)
Also:
I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)
Writing in the Gospel Coalition, Pastor Erik Raymond says there are two sources of a feeling of disconnectedness at churches. One is unhealth in the ministry itself, but the other is unhealth in the individual.
What if I’m the problem?
Raymond asks, bluntly, “What if the disconnection we feel is actually the consequence of selfishness?”
Scripture doesn’t talk much about the importance of how we feel in the context of the church body we are a part of. But it does talk a great deal about whether or not we are willing to deny ourselves and commit ourselves to God’s glory and the best interests of His Church and the people around us.
And it also recognizes the primary significance of us willingly committing ourselves to remain “plugged in,” or connected, to the Vine — that is, to Jesus. Whether we feel it or not, that, in reality, is our most vital connection!
When depression settles in
We would hope that if we were always willing to deny ourselves in service of our Master, to follow Him and stay closely connected to Him, we would never feel disconnected from other branches who had a similar focus.
But we all experience loneliness, and we sometimes feel anxiety, depression, or despair.
How we feel is obviously a challenging and complex subject. I am very much an emotion-driven person, so I recognize the power of our emotions. Like many others, I have experienced depression. And I know that when you’re in that pit, it’s very difficult to see any hope for a way out. And for people who are very emotionally driven, there’s a lot that can happen circumstantially to drive us into that pit.
My own bout with depression came at the end of my freshman year of college. I recognized that I was physically worn down, working too hard without sufficient rest. A physical illness then led to a deep well of depression. While I was in that well, I couldn’t imagine a way out, and while those around me sympathized, I was convinced none really knew what I was feeling. I felt very alone.
I’m thankful that over a period of a couple of months, with a change of venue and lots of rest, God Himself brought me up out of that well and met me in my loneliness. But the experience has given me empathy for others who go through similar bouts, some way longer than mine.
So I know from experience there is no simple or easy answer when the disconnectedness you feel is a result of an unhealthy mental state.
When the church causes disconnectedness
It’s also not a simple matter to address disconnectedness if part of the underlying issues are to be found within the church itself. At Elim, we seek to enhance Christian community and a sense of connectedness through focusing on healthy small groups and on outreach and service to others. There are some things we can do programmatically — working to support and encourage small group leaders, for example — but much of what needs to happen simply needs to happen organically because the people in our church are willing to take risks, to step outside of their own fears and insecurities and build bridges to others.
I recently heard a story that I think demonstrates this point powerfully. A group of women were playing a game around a table at a women’s event. One of the observers made a comment to another observer, along the lines of, “That group of women is quite a clique.”
“What do you mean?” the other woman asked her.
“They just enjoy their own company,” the first woman explained. “They are not really open to others like me joining in.”
“How do you know this?” the second woman challenged gently. “Have you ever asked to be a part?”
The first woman admitted that she hadn’t.
“Why don’t you try it and see what happens?” suggested the second.
So the first woman did that, courageously. Swallowing her pride, she walked up and asked if she could join in on the game in progress.
“Of course!” the ladies all said in unison, then scrambled to pull up another chair. The “outsider” took her place, joined in the game, and very soon felt like she was a vital part of that circle of fellowship.
A two-way street
We all need to be looking for those on the fringes and inviting them in. And I know of many people at Elim who do this so well. But disconnection is a two-way street! When you’re the outsider, sometimes you just have to take a risk and ask to join. Or step out and serve another person. Or find that person who looks like you yourself feel, and try to make a connection with them. As simple as it sounds, I do agree that a key solution to loneliness and disconnection is to seek to get connected.
Ultimately, we are each of us in the same boat. I know that even pastors sometimes feel disconnected, as the writer of that Gospel Coalition article shared. We are all solitary branches! But God calls us to connect first to the Vine and then in service to the other branches around us, to become a healthy, functioning part of His Body.
After all, that is how we will spend eternity. We’d best get used to it now!
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