FollowBy Martin Schlomer
“Children, honor your parents.” “Wives, submit to your husbands.” “Slaves, obey your earthly masters.” These commands in Ephesians 5 and 6 are some of the most inflammatory commands in the New Testament. Why? It is true that we don’t want anyone telling us what to do, but there is more to it. We all have horror stories of those who were in authority who hurt us deeply, betrayed our trust, used their authority for their own purposes. The stories and the hurt can go on and on.
Most people who are in authority—husbands and parents—do not intend to use their authority to hurt those they love. I know that I did not intend to hurt those I love, but it happened, nonetheless. Where do we go wrong? I could spend pages tackling this question, but I want to draw our attention to one thing: empathy.
What is empathy? Brené Brown, research professor with the Graduate College of Social Work at the University of Houston, wisely points out that empathy connects human beings together. There are four qualities of empathy:
- Perspective taking, or the ability to take the perspective of another person
- Staying out of judgment
- Recognizing the emotions in other people
- Communicating and validating those emotions
All of these are essential if we are going to be able to right the wrongs and heal the wounds mentioned above. They are also essential if we are going to lead well and be worthy of the honor Paul references in these and other passages. As those entrusted with authority, we must “feel with people.” We must see and feel the world from their perspective if we are to love and lead others well.
Does this surprise us? Shouldn’t we simply be able to “truth people” into honoring and following those in authority? Absolutely not! Jesus, Immanuel, God with us, engaged us in our world, on our turf. “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are” (Hebrews 4:15). Jesus embodied all four qualities of empathy with those who were openhearted toward Him—and many who weren’t! His leadership was “gentle and humble in heart” (Matthew 11:29).
Parents, do your children find you gentle and humble in heart? Husbands, does your wife find rest and safety for her soul under your leadership? Does she find you to be an empathetic person? When leadership leads without empathy, everyone goes to some very dark places. Take the time to ask your spouse or children to tell you what they see and how they feel.
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